spring cleaning from the inside

This is the second day of my no sweeties,no cake,no choc,no biscuit,no bread and obviously I’ve lost 25 stone (read Kirsty W’s blog – she is so funny with her gym/weight thing). I’m finding it tough, but got so incredibly depressed on Wednesday about my willpower, weight, fitness, thought of dying young that I felt I had to buck up my ideas and stop fannying about.
I’ve started a food diary where I am writing down everything I eat. It is so easy to forget the odd biscuit here, the odd packet of crisps there. It’s so easy to lie to yourself about what in reality you do eat. My double standards are breathtaking, I deny my children certain treats and snacks as I don’t want them to grow up to be chubby like I did, yet this is what happened to me as a child and it turned me into a secretive eater. If you spent the day with me you’d say I ate ok, but what you don’t see is the secretive eating. It’s dreadful, not excessive but the denial and hiding feeds the habit.
I had such a complicated relationship with my parents, built on control, lack of praise, secrets, lies, selfishness – all on both sides, no wonder they don’t want anything to do with me and no wonder I don’t want anything to do with them. My mother hated food, she would have been happy with a food pill 3 times a day. My father loved food, loved snacking and always seemed to busy himself by making something to eat. I take after my father in most respects and that drove my mother crazy and she tried her hardest to limit what I ate, but given my psyche it just drove me to eat in secret. Go figure!
I plan to use the playing card journal thing that Emily F is doing to track how I am doing.I was even toying with the idea of getting up at 6am and going for a walk/jog. Naturally I didn’t actually do it but I have thought about it for a long time and maybe I should try it? am going to download the armyfit thing and see if that would fit in with my lifestyle of sitting on the sofa all day.
And what started this off? Cathy Z of course and this post here.
I am going to sort out my embellishments now – plan to chuck the rubbish and colour code the rest – if it works for Stacy Julian then it’ll work for me.
Am also knitting – major RSI but oh Marja that Debbie Bliss wool you sent is divine to knit with (although a bit of a bugger to cast on cable wise). Am dropping stitches but don’t care – chaos knitting, it could be the new black.

I am going to publish this but will take some pics and load them later of a finished bunny, a part way through hat and a little baby boy who is cute but is challenged sleepwise at the moment.

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1 Comment

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One response to “spring cleaning from the inside

  1. Marja

    Good luck with the diet! I’ll be joining you in a few months time when I can go back to eating for myself only. I did weight watchers right before I fell pregnant and lost nearly a stone in 6 weeks. Glad I did that or else I would be suffering big time now with the nearly 2 stone I’ve gained!!!

    Glad the knitting is going well, dropped stitches adds a bit of personalised charm so I say go with it.

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